Why I Miss My Eating Disorder

Sometimes I miss my eating disorder.

It’s been a couple years now since we spent extended time together. There have been moments where I considered calling, or texting or just having a quick catch up. But, I’m too afraid to go back there; that relationship was too dysfunctional.

Sometimes old pictures pop up on Facebook or Instagram and I start to reminisce. I’ll laugh at the “good times” and slowly start to forget the bad. But I try not to get too nostalgic.

Now I’m sure you’re thinking I miss the attention. The comments of, “wow you look so good, what have you been doing for work-outs, I wish I looked like you.” Or the three consecutive flame emojis and #goals posted under an Instagram photo at the beach and the side-glances from cute boys on the way to class. Maybe you think I just miss being skinny. Sure, I miss all of those things, who wouldn’t? But, you know what I miss most?

I miss having control.

The majority of my relationship with my eating disorder was a secret. My closest friends and family barely noticed and I liked it that way. We would sneak around and a lot of times that was exciting. No one ever had to know because I believed I could eat and not eat by my own choice. Eventually people found out, but that was only because I needed help. It wasn’t as exciting anymore and it wasn’t healthy for me, I knew that. But even after we officially broke-up there were so many times I’d go back and try to make it work again. Lying about where I was going and what I was doing, I was a master at not getting caught.

I thought I was in control. I’d tell myself it wasn’t even an “eating disorder,” rather I was just at controlling my diet. I could manipulate what people thought of me. I could make people accept me before they rejected me. I could make people like me; I could make people think I was enough.

But while other people’s approval became my oxygen, I couldn’t get enough of it and it was slowly suffocating me. It was never enough to sustain me. I would get high off the attention and as quickly as it was gone, I sought out another way to get it. I would run more miles and push my body past the point it was telling me to go. I would eat even less, and I would do more crunches. I could numb my body to pain by running harder and faster or by making myself so hungry I couldn’t feel it anymore. I could also inflict pain on myself by working-out too hard and making myself sick. The rest of my life may have been out of my control, but I could control how my body looked and felt.

That was the lie I believed on and off for eight years: I was in control. I was never so skinny that I needed to go to a hospital or to some kind of rehab clinic. I seemingly had it under control or else something drastic would have happened.

It was a false sense of control. I actually had no control over it at all.

It had taken control of me.

Control is a funny thing, because no matter what it is—your body, your job, your relationships, your life—we really have no control at all. But oh how we fight for it! We grasp and cling with white-knuckled fists to any sense of control we can find. We struggle and wrestle with God for control, and if we are honest it’s because we really don’t trust Him. We think we know better. We can’t see Him, so we lose faith. We believe He is there and He is “in control” of the universe, but don’t’ think He’s doing a very good job of being in control of our individual lives. So instead, we think we are helping God out and try to control at least one part of it ourselves.

Some part of us believes not having control makes us slaves. Everything about surrender makes us feel the opposite of free. We think surrender takes away our freedom.

But, then there is Jesus. And He comes to flip that on its head.

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

There was no freedom in my relationship with my eating disorder; I was a slave to it. I bowed to its every demand, and let it control me. I missed out on so many things in life and allowed it to use and abuse me.

As Galatians 5 continues it says, “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.” The sin of this relationship didn’t seem like a lot at first but the little bit crept it’s way into so many areas of my life and I spiraled— I drank to numb the pains of hunger and gave my body away in order to feel loved when the comments and attention stopped being enough. When I stopped being able to control the one area of my life, I looked to control another. “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:14) If I loved my neighbor like I loved myself, it wouldn’t be love. If that’s how I loved I would be selfish, hurtful, and abusive.

In the end, Jesus showed up and I let go of control of all of it. He came after me long before I saw Him. He gently grabbed my gripped hand and offered to take what was in it. Slowly (and doubting) I began to release my grip. I began to taste freedom. I’ve reached to pick it up a few times (usually when everything else feels out of control), but Jesus was still there, holding my hand, telling me to leave it there. Promising me I was free without it.

For freedom, He set me free. Not so I could gratify the desires of my flesh to be loved, beautiful and in control (v. 13), but so I could walk by the Spirit in love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (v. 22-23).

For the sake of full disclosure, I have something to tell you. The idea for this blog post came a few weeks ago. I had been out to lunch with a few friends that day and listening to all the ways they talked about their bodies and others bodies and it made me sick. I knew how each seemingly harmless comment was effecting each girl at the table. I watched how what one girl ordered to eat made the one next to her insecure. (I have a radar for these kind of things now. I can spot an unhealthy relationship with food from a mile away.) So after I prayed and talked the Lord and decided to write this.

It was over two weeks ago and since then my eating disorder has been blowing me up trying to get back together. It’s been years but the last two weeks it’s been a fight. You see, Satan knows there is someone on the other side of this screen who needs to be set free and he will stop at nothing to make sure that never happens. I don’t know why I was surprised those things started creeping back in. I know there is an enemy and I know how he works. My prayer is you don’t let him win. The battle is on, but Jesus already won the war. Whatever it is you are fighting to have control of, let.it.go! Surrender is the only way to freedom. Jesus died and rose to set you f r e e from trying to control everything, not so we could enslave ourselves in the name of control.

What is the one thing you are trying to control? What are you so tightly gripping because you don’t trust God is who He says He is? I challenge you to spend some time in Galatians 5 over the next week or so and allow yourself to learn about true freedom in Christ.

We were never really in control anyway, so let’s stop trying to be.

Always, Meghan XO