A Letter to My Single Friend

An Open Letter to My Single Friend

Dearest friend, 

Hey, it’s me! I’m thinking about you and praying for you so intentionally. I know all too well the whole being single thing has been extra hard for you lately. Hear me when I say I get it and I’m with you in it. Sometimes I wonder if you hear me when I say that—I know we may not be in the exact same situation, but I feel the same feelings you do.

I know the feeling of watching yet another friend get engaged before you do. I’ve sat home alone on Friday night while it seems like all my friends are out on a date. I know how exhausting it is to attend another wedding shower alone, to hang another save-the-date on the fridge and to leave the “plus one” box on the RSVP unchecked.

I’ve experienced the hurt you have from people who are supposed to love you in this. I know how tired you are of getting the question, “are you seeing anyone?” Followed by, “Well are you putting yourself out there?” “It’ll happen eventually.” “It works out when you least expect it.” “You’re so great, I don’t know how you’re still single.” Or my personal favorite, the head tilt and somber faced, “Oh I’m sorry.” They are the well-meaning people in your life who want the best for you, but are just constantly reminding you what you don’t have.

Sometimes even church feels like the least single-friendly place in the world. Looking around at all the couples and babies, you wonder when it’ll be your turn. Even as the pastor uses references of marriage and family in his sermon, you can’t relate. You are in the category of people they have no category for. Again, with all the best intentions in the world, they unknowing at times have isolated you.

I only bring all this up to show you that I see you. I know you. Friend, I am you. I’m not on the other side of this, married and saying, “See it all worked out,” I’m in it with you.

But, in the midst of the hurt and the loneliness and the waiting, I’ve watched myself get frustrated with the Lord. Prayers have gone seemingly unanswered and fear has crept in. I’ve let myself chase contentment in a future destination. As we’ve talked lately, I’ve started to see you do this too. We’ve cried, we’ve prayed, we’ve let it get the best of us some days. God has been teaching me a lot in this, and girlfriend. I’m still learning! But I wanted to take this time to tell you what He’s been teaching me.

Let’s stop looking for contentment in a future destination. It’s never going to be found there. It won’t be found in marriage, or a bigger paycheck, a new job, a different city, a different year or anywhere we look. Contentment can only be found when we put all of our trust in God, who is sovereign.

1 Corinthians 7 talks about how both marriage and singleness are gifts. One is not greater than the other, but whether we like it or not, they are both gifts. Maybe one day God will exchange your gift of singleness for a gift of marriage, but it’s not an upgrade, it’s just an even exchange.

Imagine your dad giving you a gift for Christmas. He worked tirelessly to pick it out. (My dad is super practical, so I know he would find something he knows I would need and use.) He knows you so well, so he thinks about every last option and detail. After spending so much time picking the gift just uniquely for you, he joyfully gives you the gift to unwrap. But imagine the heartbreak he would feel if you opened it and said you hated it. You don’t like it, you don’t want it, and you ask to exchange it. He proceeds to explain why he picked it out. He argues how much you’ll use and how it’s going to bring you so much enjoyment. But, you can’t hide your feelings and break his heart by telling him it’s not what you wanted.

How similar is this to how I respond to the gift God has given me? When I complain (or cry) about wanting the other gift. When I stick it up on the shelf and let it go to waste because I’m too busy wanting something else. Imagine how He feels when I deny the gift He so specifically chose to give me. He knew before the world began how I, Meghan Ryan, could use this gift while I had it—how it can be used for my good and for His glory. He saw how it could impact His kingdom, He saw how much joy I could find in it and gave it to me to use.

There have been so many days I’ve minimized this gift, and honestly just wasted it. I’ve forgotten my identity is in Christ alone. I’ve forgot it matters for eternity.

There is freedom in singleness. Not that there isn’t in marriage, but it’s different and Paul talks about this a lot in 1 Corinthians 7. But that freedom can be wasted selfishly. My singleness isn’t about pursuing my dreams and only making decisions that benefit me. My singleness and my entire life are about seeking first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). Whether married or single, my external circumstances don’t control my contentment. Whether married or single, the greatest goal in life is bringing God glory.

One day, we are going to be in heaven and all we are going to care about is praising Jesus. I want to do that looking to my right and left and seeing people who were impacted by the gift God gave me. I want to see people who are in heaven because I didn’t waste any part of any season of my life.

It’s funny, it was choosing to be single that radically changed my life. I can trace everything God has done the last three years back to one hard decision to end a long-term relationship. But, if I had chosen the comfort and (temporary) contentment of dating someone over the calling God clearly had given me, I would’ve missed all of it. But choosing the calling of God over the comfort of having a person has been so worth it. And on the days where being single seems like the hardest thing, I’m reminded that God has better plans in store.

So this is my prayer for you friend, that in this season your one desire becomes Jesus. I pray you stop chasing contentment in a future destination and instead you cultivate a deep trust in our sovereign God. I pray you learn to selflessly pursue people with this freedom. I pray your goal in life becomes bringing God most glory. I pray you see that your life, right now, being single matters for eternity. And I pray you experience so much joy in it.

Always, Meghan XO